Believe it or not: praise for Robot Dogs.

Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2001 07:36:01 -0700
From: Michael C Rosenstein
To: Adam Magazine
Subject: enjoyment

I'm enjoying your blog. More Dr. Crankypants, please.

> > Barbering (Hair Pulling) or hair biting is a vice commonly observed in
> > rodents and can occur under a variety of circumstances. Pups often bite
> > and ingest hair from the dam during and shortly after lactation, and this
> > behavior can persist into adulthood. Subordinate animals may be barbered
> > by dominant animals, and this vice as well as ear biting are often
> > exaggerated under conditions of crowding and stress, such as forming new
> > cohort groups. Barbering is easily recognized as patches of unevenly
> > chopped air; seldom is the underlying skin inflamed. The lesions are
> > usually over the dorsal lumbar area and flanks and less often about the
> > head and thorax. Ear biting, scratching, and other forms of more
> > aggressive activity are more likely to occur among adults, especially
> > mature males. Usually the problems are self-limited when predisposing
> > factors are identified and elimnated.
> >Source: Laboratory Animal Medicine, Fox, Cohen & Loew, ACLAM Series,
> >Academic Press 1984, pp 176-177.

Media Whores Online "If there were a liberal media bias, would we have an incompetent drunken chimp squatting in the White House today?"

Dr. Crankypants Returns!

The following is an actual letter to Slate Magazine's Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence,
I'm in my late 20s, and by choice I decided to remain a virgin until I got married. During and after college, I've had opportunities to sleep with women but declined because I felt so strongly about my values. For the past 18 months, I've been dating a wonderful woman, and we've talked seriously about marriage. We haven't had sex because I wanted to wait until we are married. I love her in every way, but the only hang-up I seem to have is that she slept with her boyfriend when she was in college. I get extremely jealous and angry whenever I think about it because I feel that since I waited, why couldn't she? She assures me, and I completely believe her, when she says she's devoted only to me and that her past relationship means absolutely nothing. Obviously, my reaction to her past sexual experience is ridiculous, but I can't help but feel in some way cheated or betrayed. Is this a normal reaction for virgins in this situation, and how do I get over it?

—Jealous Virgin

Dear Jealous Virgin:

You, sir, are an ass.

-- Dr. Crankypants

Here's the text of a fortune cookie I got today: "Happiness begins with facing life with a smile and a wink." What the hell does that mean?

The success of Afroman's "Because I got High" just goes to prove that, even in the twenty-first century, America loves a novelty song.

Bubble Boy : Mr. Cranky Rates the Movies : Bubble Boy My only happy memory as a child was watching John Travolta in the 1976 television movie "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble," a wonderful movie based on a true story that taught us all to appreciate life because here was this boy with a deficient immune system who had to live in a plastic bubble, but who somehow managed to love life in all its splendor. Shortly thereafter, my favorite cat was run over by a drunk ice cream truck driver and I quickly realized that God hated me and that life was really just a swirling cesspool of disappointment, and that if I ever met the real bubble boy, I was just absolutely going to kick his ass.

[INSIDE] It started as a joke: How was Viagra affecting the porn industry? But soon after Los Angeles Times reporters Ralph Frammolino and P.J. Huffstutter decided to investigate, they found they had a story. Some male actors, for instance, were using the drug at high, untested levels. Also, by reducing "performance delays" and allowing producers to cast better-looking actors (who were previously unable to work on camera) the pill was skewing casting and production costs. Frammolino and Huffstutter filed a long feature in early July, three months after inaugurating the first known pornography beat at a major American newspaper.

Well, the show I was hired to design less than a week ago is now on hold. The theater and the actor (in a one-man show) have reached a mutual parting of the ways. But the lighting was great!

I agree. Salon.com People | Et tu, Julia? "It doesn't mean a guy is gay just because he wears a skirt. Men can look very masculine in skirts -- sexy and cheeky."
-- Sean "Puffy/P.Diddy" Combs offering some surprising fashion advice in the German magazine Bunte.

Five things made this country great:
Religious persecution in Europe, an oppressive work ethic, unsuspected natural resources, slave labor, and smallpox.

Salon.com People | Sinéad's wedding a hoax? Here he comes ... Tony Danza? The former "Who's the Boss?" and "Taxi" star has been tapped as the host of this year's Miss America Pageant, which airs Sept. 22 on ABC. Danza will replace last year's hosts, Donny and Marie Osmond. According to producer Bob Bain, "Tony's charm, enthusiasm and energy perfectly complement the changes we are making in the show."

Lawmaker Forwarded Racist E-Mail RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) - A state representative forwarded an e-mail to fellow lawmakers this week that claimed, ``Two things made this country great: White men & Christianity.''
Rep. Don Davis, a white Republican, said he received the letter Friday and forwarded it to every member of the state House and Senate. He said he didn't consider the letter racist.
``I just put it out for information. People can read into it whatever they want to,'' Davis said.
``There's a lot of it that's truth, the way I see it,'' Davis said. ``Who came to this country first - the white man, didn't he? That's who made this country great.''

'Dogg': In Need Of Better Training (washingtonpost.com) In "Dogg's Hamlet, Cahoot's Macbeth," a pair of interrelated one-acts by Tom Stoppard, words mean nothing and everything.

Hey, me too!!!

Nerve.com - The Big Tease by Vanessa Grigoriadis    "Usually, I pray three times a day — once when I wake up, in my car on the way to school and before bed," says Alyson, who even considered showing up with her own Christian youth group at the Crusade before she made plans to come to spring break with her friends. "But I didn't last night. 'Cause I was too smashed."

There is no room in the world left for satire -- the ongoing crisis of the crazy years.

TeeVee Station Break - SONY-TV is Right On Track HOLLYWOOD, California (Reuters) -- You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have ... a Facts of Life reunion movie at ABC.

Production begins September 10 in Toronto for the yet-untitled Facts of Life redux. Original cast members Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett), Mindy Cohn (Natalie), Kim Fields (Tootie) and Lisa Whelchel (Blair) are all on board to reprise their characters from the hit coming-of-age comedy, which ran on NBC from 1979 to 1988, Variety reports.

Does one ever say "take care" to a friend or loved one?

I just got a new design. The Thousandth Night at MetroStage. It's directed by Thomas W. Jones, II, an Atlanta-based director who often works in DC, and is a one-man show with Rick Hammerly. (MCR, you remember him -- he went to UVa).

It should be a good show. If I live.

More from the Gentiles are wacky file.

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" is set for a nationwide theatrical release in November.

But far from Hollywood, in a Merritt Island church, a pastor is circulating his own Harry Potter movie.

The little-known video - "Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged: Making Evil Look Innocent" - claims the very books embraced by parents and educators for leading children to literature also can lure youngsters into witchcraft.

The one-hour video has been shown to hundreds of people in 11 churches across Brevard County, though one of its creators is marketing the movie in Jacksonville this weekend and hopes to eventually reach an even broader audience.

"This is just an itty-bitty video going up against a multimillion dollar deal," said Robert McGee, associate pastor at the First Baptist Church of Merritt Island, who helped create the film. "But we want to educate parents. We want them to see the truth about these books."

The truth, according to the video, is that "children as young as kindergarten are being introduced to human sacrifice, the sucking of blood from dead animals and possession by spirit beings."

"I've read the Potter books and they are wonderfully written," McGee said. "But we're not talking about the Smurfs here. Children are learning the elements of witchcraft in the context of being told it's the greatest thing since sliced bread."

Read this. It won't take long, and I'm too sleepy come up with a clever tag line.

As soon as I put it on, I thought, "This thing kicks ass." In our world of instant gratification waiting for something is a bit alien, but the kilt was worth it. It looks good with a tweed jacket, with a vest or T-shirt, or a plain button-down shirt. And it is such a masculine garment - women wear trousers more often than not these days, so there is nothing particularly macho about them any more. A kilt is much more anatomically sensible for a guy than trousers are, and comfort-wise there is no comparison. It is also practical - like cargo trousers, it has pockets that hold a lot of stuff.

What can I say but -- Jesus Christ!
Barneyfife.com

Obviously it is my opinion that The Andy Griffith Show was a very special series, but is it really suitable to be the theme for a Bible class? Although there are few direct references to the Bible, I believe the show is filled with the basic morals and biblical principles taught by the Scriptures. Each show tended to have a good moral theme that was brought out by the story line. Basic values such as character, personal responsibility, honesty, and integrity were routinely exemplified by the show. I believe these characteristics to be uncommon for most television shows past or present. When George Lindsay, who played Goober in the series, was asked about the idea of using the series for a Bible class, he replied, "One of the incredible things about every single episode is that Andy insisted each show have a moral point, something good, lofty and moral. It?s a shame current shows on TV don?t adopt that high road."

The Great Late Elvis
Taking Vegas-era Elvis seriously.

Fortified by the '68 comeback, Elvis was in strong voice for that first Vegas gig, secure in his new role as an emissary of cool for middle-aged crowds wearing double-knit pantsuits. After a lost decade pumping out puerile movies with soundtracks that featured howlers like "Do the Clam" and "Song of the Shrimp," Elvis in Vegas was a dormant spirit reborn, a great performer summoning the feral, spontaneous passion that many felt had abandoned him the day he signed his fist movie contract.

I'm afraid buying an inflatable pillow doesmake you less of a man... unless it's in the shape of Estella Warren. In other notes... there is more of the what-if-Star-Wars-sucks story going on at pvponline. Start with Monday's strip.

The Brunching Shuttlecocks | The Ratings | Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part IV Thieves
The punishment if you're a thief is having snakes tie your hands behind your back. And then sometimes the snakes bite your neck and you burn into ashes and then you arise again from the ashes. And you're naked. Which just goes to show you that one person's eternal ignominious torture is another person's fetish art Web page. B-

Thanks to Mr. Joel for finding this cartoon.

Not an actual New Yorker cartoon.


"So, after you get rid of that small bag of shit, perhaps you'd like to have a drink?"

Strippers Dance Into History Books Soviet women once exemplified their endurance by pounding rails with giant hammers and hauling loads twice their weight to feed their families. Now things have changed: This weekend, seven Moscow women demonstrated their mettle by showing they are ready to shimmy to death to earn cash and set a new world record for erotic dancing.

The Brunching Shuttlecocks | The Ratings | Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part I The Gluttons
Now we're getting into gruesome punishments. Gluttons can't eat or drink in Hell because they ate and drank so much in life. And they are trapped in putrid soil because they produced nothing but garbage in life. And they are being torn apart constantly by Cerberus's three sets of bloody teeth, because Dante is one sick motherfucker. B

The Brunching Shuttlecocks | The Ratings | Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part III The Sodomites
Sodomites have to run around the same burning plane on which the blasphemers are lying down. I imagine some of you were expecting something more intricate in terms of buttsex castigation, but what can you do? Dante wrote in a time before Jim Carrey movies. Anyhow, Dante makes a big deal out of how the Sodomites, being able to run free in the flaming burning hell-rain, have a better deal than the blasphemers. This is called "compassionate conservatism." D

If President Bush reads President Clinton's book, Clinton will still have written two more books than Bush has read.

Shocker! Tickets still available for Rod Stewart's concert tonight.

Iskip.com This web page and movement are not about me, they are about skipping.

I bought an inflatable bath pillow. Does that make me less of a man?

Presidents Who Think by Dahlia Lithwick How many smart people does one have to put on one's staff to communicate that you are indeed great thinker? One? Two? Eleven? Why is it that you never hear about Einstein, or John Kenneth Galbraith, or Martin Buber sending forth minions into the night to inform the world that the big man is thinking? Might we not have hoped that the man who runs the country is, likewise, thinking all the time? How is it possible that we elected a president to whom the state of being in thought is so utterly foreign that vast battalions of foot soldiers must be dispatched to the blue room just to advise us when it's happening?

Elvis was laughing because he accidentally ripped his uniform pants.
(Actual caption from www.elviskarate.com.)

From The Boston Globe

When President Bush's new nominee for a top international-aid post was president of Eastern Nazarene College in Quincy, he instituted a policy that permitted only ''committed Christians'' to be hired to teach in the school's adult education program.

The policy set off a firestorm among many non-Christians when it was approved in 1993, and yesterday, two civil rights groups - and a Jewish instructor who says he was not rehired because of that policy - called on the US Senate to question the former college president, Kent R. Hill, about the hiring criteria and whether he would favor international religious groups in his new job. The nominee must win Senate confirmation to hold the post.

ANN LANDERS (washingtonpost.com) Dear Ann:
Recently, we invited three couples to dinner at 6 p.m. We worked hard cleaning the house and preparing a wonderful meal. My problem is this: two couples stayed until 11 p.m. I have arthritis, and after preparing the meal, I was stiff, sore and tired.
How do I let my friends know that it is a pleasure to have them in our home for a meal, but staying four hours afterward is much too long?
Southern Hostess

Dear SH:
I find that a subtle "Get the hell out, I'm going to bed" is a polite and effective way to tell your guests that party time is over. Believe me lady, you're not so fascinating that your friends aren't looking for a way to get out sometime between the pot roast and the angelfood cake.

-- Dr. Crankypants"

From the New York Times How to tell a bad movie:

Locate the exit nearest you, she says, before screening any film directed by big-name male actors or Brian De Palma, any film that features Robin Williams in a beard, any film scored by John Williams, any film starring Juliette Binoche or Kevin Costner, any film that features Robin Williams clean-shaven, any film directed by a woman and proud of it, any film that features Robin Williams in a yarmulke and any film positively reviewed by anyone associated with National Public Radio.

I would respect the work these people have done on jet packs if you could read their effin' website.

White House Hangs Up on Tina's Talk (washingtonpost.com) White House communications director Dan Bartlett, calling the use of models to satirize the Bush teenagers "disrespectful," said yesterday that Talk "has openly opposed and even mocked the first family's desire to keep the lives of their daughters private, and have decided not only to report on it but go to great lengths to distort it. It gives us plenty of concern and reason not to participate in the type of so-called reporting they are conducting."

Disrespectful? This is the United States, alleged land of the free, etc. Respect is the last thing we're supposed to have for our leaders. I appreciate the desire to let Jenna and Barbara have a relatively normal life, but a parody is different from spying on the girls. The reaction of the White House is definitely that this is a case of lese-majeste. I guess that's what happens when you become the country's head because you picked the right father.

Today is the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima. There ought to be a way for us to commemorate the event without either (a) blaming the people who dropped the bomb or (b) washing away the sins of the Japanese Empire. I don't think it's inconsistent to believe that the use of atomic weapons against Japan was a terrible error, but not a war crime. For more discussion (by people who actually know something) check out the History News Network.

Lingua Franca - September 2001 | Field Notes: The Pound of Flesh The film in question is A Midsummer Night's Cream—tag line: "What (Horny) Fools These Mortals Be!"—and it's merely one recent example of a growing genre of Shakespeare adaptation: Shakespeare porn. Nominated for ten 2001 Adult Video News Awards, including a best actress nomination for the porn legend Nina Hartley as Titania, Canterbury's film joins Romeo and Julian (1993), Hamlet: For the Love of Ophelia (1996), Taming of the Screw (1997), and dozens of other works in this expanding canon.

Joel didn't believe that Rachel (from Friends) is a jewish character. Let's analyze this:
-- Originally engaged to orthodontist.
-- from Long Island -- childhood friend of Monica's
-- original hook for character was a fish out of water -- spoiled Long Island girl now has to make living on her own in big city

I am not the only one who thinks this.
Rachel is a Jewish character played by non-Jewish actress Jennifer Aniston.

A Warner Bros. spokesperson revealed that "the religion of the characters on 'Friends' has never been established, but viewers can make the educated guess that Monica and Ross are half Jewish and that Rachel and her ex-fiance Barry are Jewish."

People read the words AMPUTATE and GUILLOTINE and automatically freak.

Yeah. what is up with that?

If there are two types of people in the world, I wonder if they are people who wish they'd lived in the past, and those who wish they could live in the future. I'm definitely a future person. That's probably why I am so angry that we don't have the whole future we were promised twenty and thirty years ago. I'd put up with murderous replicants if I could have a cool flying car like in Blade Runner. I'd even hang out with the wacky Sean Young. As I've pointed out before, our national progress on flying cars is disgraceful. And don't get me started on jet packs.

On the other hand, I'd last about three and a half minutes in the Old West or the middle ages. Basically, if it's before indoor plumbing, I don't want any part of it.

Dr. Crankypants doesn't get the kind of mail that Ann Landers does. So he steals her letters. (Actual letter to Ann Landers, 8/5/01)

Dear Ann:

I married "Chris" three years ago. His parents live thousands of miles away, and I have yet to meet them. I speak to them on the phone and e-mail them weekly with news and updates.

Here's the problem: My mother-in-law never calls or writes. My father-in-law will sometimes e-mail a letter, but his wife is not involved. She doesn't phone on birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas or any other time. When we call their house, my mother-in-law NEVER gets on the phone. All conversation goes through my father-in-law. He always says she is "busy" and can't come to the phone.

I thought mothers were supposed to care about their children, but my husband's apparently doesn't. I realize the Bible says to honor your parents, but I am bitter about his mother's lack of interest in us. Should I stop calling and e-mailing? Should I tell Chris it is his responsibility to keep in touch with them? I don't understand why his mother is so cold. Any ideas?

-- A Knoxville, Tenn., Wife

Dear AKTW:
Sounds like the perfect low maintenance relationship to me. I just wish all my relatives were too busy to talk on the phone. Leave the poor woman alone.

Send your questions on manners and morals to Dr. Crankypants, America's least helpful advice columnist.

This is not the same Adam Magazine.

Send your questions to Dr. Crankypants, America's least helpful advice columist.

Dear Dr. Crankypants:

What is the meaning of life?

-- F. Nietzsche


Dear F:

What do I look like, a freakin' dictionary?

--Dr. Crankypants


Dear Dr. Crankypants:

Does this look infected to you?

--Mel A. Noma

Dear Mel:
Yes.

--Dr. Crankypants

Today's Elvis fun fact -- From an internal FBI memo:

"Presley's sincerity and good intentions notwithstanding he is certainly not the type of individual whom the Director would wish to meet. It is noted at the present time he is wearing his hair down to his shoulders and indulges in the wearing of all sorts of exotic dress."

You gentiles sure are funny.

Jesus was no Canadian.

So, you're saying there's a chance.

Anna Kournikova Says She Is Not Married Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova (news - profile - photos) on Wednesday flatly denied reports that she had recently married Detroit Red Wings hockey star Sergei Fedorov.

'Becker' Cast Members Are No-Shows HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Either there's a bug going around the set of ``Becker,'' or it's contract renegotiation time: the CBS sitcom's five supporting cast members called in sick Wednesday.
The thesps -- Terry Farrell, Hattie Winston, Alex Desert, Shawnee Smith and Saverio Guerra -- didn't appear at the series' first table read of the season. ``Becker'' star Ted Danson and guest star Rhea Perlman did attend and went ahead with the read.

In re: nerds.

I am not the only person in the world who remembers the TV show Quark!!!!!!!!!!

It's almost like having a friend.

As you may know, my friend MCR and his lovely artist-wife Nicole recently moved from Brooklyn to Maine. Check out .this linkfor a little peak into the twisted world that is Maine. "A local man who claims he is married to his dog was fined this month for keeping an unlicensed dog."

The Code Red worm. I hope it doesn't cause as much havoc as the Y2K bug.