Standup Comedy -- I'm Back

I will be performing Wednesday, January 17, 8 pm at Rendezvous in Adams Morgan. It's an open mic run by Lucky Cat Comedy. Please come, enjoy the "womb-like atmosphere" of the upstairs bar at Rendezvous, and give us budding comics come moral support.

Rendezvous is at 2226 18th St. NW. There's no cover and $3 Drink Specials.

And some new jokes!

Our bold new vision in Iraq,

Bush's decision to increase troops in Iraq is like a fat man eating more ice cream to lose weight.

Is this guy America's biggest jackass?

That's a tough competition, I know, but "J.P." is certainly a finalist. He has asked people to donate money so he can purchase an ad during the Superbowl to propose to his girlfriend. Really.

Why? Glad you asked. Because he wants

the chance to go on record as the guy who made the world’s most public wedding proposal. More importantly…the hand of my lady, promised in marriage. The chance to give her a one-of-a-kind proposal that will only barely equal the treatment she deserves. The chance to accomplish something so unthinkably cool and impossible that the sheer creativity and effort involved becomes the gesture of my love.

And also, I assume, because he wants the chance to have all of America to know how big an ass he is.

Fortunately, his blog is not limited to his romantic dreams. For example, he provides us with this insight into his fascinating mind:

I’m a huge fan of Christmas and the whole holiday season. I love the time off work, the family in town, the friends who gather at night to eat hearty meals and drink hearty wine. Really, there’s nothing better - thank goodness for the holidays, because without them, winter really would be a dark and sad affair (at least, in the northern hemisphere).

Let's examine this gem in greater detail.

I’m a huge fan of Christmas and the whole holiday season.

You are a maverick indeed, J.P.

I love the time off work,

Again, J.P. is a free spirit. Most 97% of Americans hate time off work.

the family in town, the friends who gather at night to eat hearty meals and drink hearty wine

J.P.'s friends are all vampires, who cannot gather during daylight hours.

Really, there’s nothing better - thank goodness for the holidays, because without them, winter really would be a dark and sad affair (at least, in the northern hemisphere).

J.P. clearly does not understand that the souther hemisphere is not opposite-land where they refer to the season of warmth and sunshine as "winter" and therefore it is summer that is "dark and sad affair."

Also, he uses the phrase "thank goodness" unironically -- a usage which should be reserved for blushing maidens in Victorian novels.

Don't forget your t-shirt. Please wear it, so we can recognize you as a worthless douche.