Why?

Bush asks Daschle to limit Sept. 11 probes
WASHINGTON (CNN) --President Bush personally asked Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle Tuesday to limit the congressional investigation into the events of September 11, congressional and White House sources told CNN.

The request was made at a private meeting with congressional leaders Tuesday morning. Sources said Bush initiated the conversation.

He asked that only the House and Senate intelligence committees look into the potential breakdowns among federal agencies that could have allowed the terrorist attacks to occur, rather than a broader inquiry that some lawmakers have proposed, the sources said

Tuesday's discussion followed a rare call to Daschle from Vice President Dick Cheney last Friday to make the same request.

Here's a fun game -- go to Picture Judge, click on "Babies" and give them all low ratings. Who posts their baby's picture to be rated by strangers?

Kandahar comes out of the closet


FROM TIM REID IN KANDAHAR

Our correspondent sees the gay capital of South Asia throw off strictures of the Taleban

NOW that Taleban rule is over in Mullah Omar?s former southern stronghold, it is not only televisions, kites and razors which have begun to emerge.

Visible again, too, are men with their ashna, or beloveds: young boys they have groomed for sex.

Kandahar?s Pashtuns have been notorious for their homosexuality for centuries, particularly their fondness for naive young boys. Before the Taleban arrived in 1994, the streets were filled with teenagers and their sugar daddies, flaunting their relationship.

It is called the homosexual capital of south Asia. Such is the Pashtun obsession with sodomy ? locals tell you that birds fly over the city using only one wing, the other covering their posterior ? that the rape of young boys by warlords was one of the key factors in Mullah Omar mobilising the Taleban.

I guarantee that the following comments will be made by TV punidts with regard to the State of the Union address:

He exceeded expectations.
He did what he had to do.
He set his agenda.
His plain-spoken style appeals to us Americans.
He's a real war-time leader.

Attorney General Ashcroft -- Nut Job!

Draping History
Halls of Justice: A Weekly Look
Inside the Justice Department

By Beverley Lumpkin


W A S H I N G T O N, Jan. 25 — About three weeks ago, I received a tip. The attorney general was fed up with having his picture taken during events in the Great Hall in front of semi-nude statues.


He had ordered massive draperies to conceal the offending figures. But initially not only could the story not be confirmed — it was strongly denied.

As some of you may know the Justice Department building was constructed during the 1930s as a WPA project, completed in 1934. The artwork and fittings were strongly influenced by the Art Deco movement. Much of the ornamentation in the building is made of aluminum, apparently a big Art Deco feature.

The Great Hall is basically what it sounds like — a large, even grand, two-story room used for department events and ceremonies. The formal entrance up a winding stairway is adorned with murals depicting great figures in the history of law, including Moses, Hammurabi, and John Marshall.

At the opposite end of the hall, on either side of the stage, are two enormous and stylized but largely naked aluminum statues. On the left, the female figure represents the Spirit of Justice; the male on the right is the Majesty of Justice. The male is clad in only a cloth draped over his essential parts; the female wears a sort of toga-style garment, but one breast is entirely exposed. She's been fondly referred to for years by at least some as "Minnie Lou."

And she's the one the photographers seek out. The most famous pictures of all were shot when former U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese proudly released the final report of his commission on pornography. No one in the Great Hall that day could ever forget the spectacle of the still photographers writhing on the floor, flat on their backs, in order to grab the shot of Meese holding up the porn report with Minnie Lou's breast over his shoulder.

So there were some who wondered how Attorney General John Ashcroft, known as a strongly religious and conservative man, would get along with the figures once he became attorney general.

For a long time he didn't seem to mind. But last November he and Deputy Attorney General Larry Thompson staged a major event in the Great Hall, to announce their plans for restructuring the Justice Department to address the new challenge of fighting terrorism. Many papers the next day used a photo of the attorney general with — you guessed it — Minnie Lou and that breast right over his shoulder.

According to my original tipster, that was the final straw for Ashcroft, and he ordered that the statues henceforth be draped.

Public affairs people however denied any such thing. They stoutly maintained that the attorney general had never complained and that no draperies had been ordered. They pointed out that periodically, through different administrations, draperies were sometimes rented for particular events.

They noted that former spokeswoman Mindy Tucker always hated the statues; Mindy told me Thursday it was her view that half the women in the department were offended by them and the other half considered them art.

Well, I guess this is a lot of background to get to the point: the draperies have in fact been ordered. Minnie Lou and her mate now can only be imagined. The draperies installed last week at a cost of just over $8,000.

And it turns out that they were indeed ordered by someone in the attorney general's office, who delivered the request to the Justice Management Division and asserted it was the attorney general's desire. I'm told she was the only person in the attorney general's office who knew about it. She's his advance person, and she said it was done for "aesthetic purposes" — she just thought it would look better when staging events in the Great Hall.

So now it appears that rather than making an occasional appearance, the draperies are here to stay — unless and until someone has the temerity to request an event without them.

Two funny things while watching the AFC Championship game:
1) They played the "Chicken Dance" song during a break in the action. I guess that's better than "Who Let the Dogs Out."
2) Patriots owner Robert Kraft high-fiveing in his luxury box after a field goal. Old white guys in suits should not high five.

NAMES & FACES
Saturday, January 26, 2002; Page C03

Wait, Honey -- I Can Explain
Baltimore-based Adam magazine is designed to be "different than other men's magazines," meant to appeal to "their better sides." Said founding editor Thomas Dworetzky: "The magazine itself is a men's magazine that you wouldn't be embarrassed to have your mother or your girlfriend find in your house. We prefer to think in terms of the women we respect, especially these days when we're forced to look at the big wide world out there. It's clear that there are many places where women are slaves."
How strange, then, that in the very first issue, released Jan. 15, a house ad inviting readers to dial a toll-free number to subscribe actually leads them to a phone sex line, where a sultry voice says: "Welcome to an exciting new way to go live and one-on-one with hot . . . girls." Dworetzky explained that Adam's 1-888 subscription number was mistakenly replaced with 1-800 in the ad. "We're of course quite upset about it," he said.

-- Compiled by Barbara E. Martinez
from staff and wire reports
© 2002 The Washington Post Company

This blog uses the same template as mine, but it's much more interesting.

the horrible truth has come into my hands...

View and copy and distribute this document before the conspiracy suppresses it. Mammals! Mammals! Your names are called! Raise a paw!

"Harry Potter" prompts police boycott

- - - - - - - - - - - -
ASSOCIATED PRESS

Jan. 24, 2002 | PENRYN, Pa. (AP) -- The police department has refused to direct traffic at a YMCA triathlon because it says the club promotes witchcraft by reading Harry Potter books to children.

Penryn Fire Police Capt. Robert Fichthorn said the eight-member force voted unanimously to boycott the 20th running of the triathlon, scheduled for Sept. 7.

"I don't feel right taking our children's minds and teaching them (witchcraft)," Fichthorn said. "As long as we don't stand up, it won't stop. It's unfortunate that this is the way it has to be."

The Lancaster Family YMCA began reading chapters of the Harry Potter books to children enrolled in an after-school program in November.

In a letter to the township and the YMCA, Fichthorn challenged the religious integrity of the YMCA, and questioned whether it was "serving the will of God" in using the books.

The wildly popular children's books by J.K. Rowling chronicle the fictional adventures of the young Harry Potter as he attends a boarding school for wizards and battles his nemesis, the evil sorcerer Voldemort.

The YMCA's executive director, Michael Carr, said he was disappointed by the department's decision, but doesn't expect it to stop about 600 triathletes from participating in the race.

Township Supervisor Ronald Krause said the YMCA may have to hire police from another community to direct traffic for the race.

The course includes a one-mile swim, a 25-mile bicycle route and a 6.2-mile run. About 200 volunteers are needed to run the event, which passes through Penryn, a small community about 66 miles west of Philadelphia.

So how do you explain Jar Jar?

Darth Vader is supposed to be evil and Obi Wann good. This isn't true. They are BOTH evil because Obi Wann [sic] wants Luke (a blasphemous thing to name a demon-creature) to use this extra-sensory feeling to fight for good. The Jewish George Lucas is telling us Christians that God isn't good enough and wants us to believe in a higher secular human force. Tell that to Jesus, George!

Very funny piece from The Onion:

At the risk of seeming immodest, I firmly believe that my recently published book, Taft, is the definitive biography of the man, breathing new life into an all-too-overlooked president better known for his girth than for his considerable skills as a statesman and orator. That said, it came as a great surprise to me when, on Jan. 14, the nominees for a certain prize were announced, and my name was not among them.

So I ask, just who the hell do I have to blow to get a Bancroft Prize in American History?

Dr. Crankypants returns!

DAUGHTER WHO SLEEPS NUDE KEEPS MOM AWAKE AT NIGHT

DEAR ABBY: I started college last fall and moved into a dorm. My roommate and I get along great. She sleeps in the nude. It shocked me at first, but the weather was hot, so I tried it. Now I wouldn't sleep any other way.
Last week, while I was visiting my family, my mother came into my room to wake me. She saw my bare shoulders and correctly assumed I was nude underneath the blankets. You should have seen her reaction! She is now convinced that I am sexually active, which I am not. She thinks my roommate and I must be lesbians. (We're both straight.) She says what I am doing is immoral and un-Christian.

Abby, I am a very religious person. I cannot see how sleeping in the nude is immoral. I don't talk about it or prance around nude. Am I missing something? How can I convince Mother that what I'm doing is really OK? -- FEELING THE HEAT

Dear Feeling:
This is a very serious problem. Please email me immediately to arrange a personal counseling session with me and your roommate. I'll bring the tequila.
--Dr. Crankypants

If there is a God, these albums are the Muzak of Hell.

God Bless America


Family suing to end Bible classes asks judge to rule without trial

By Bill Poovey, Associated Press

CHATTANOOGA - An East Tennessee family suing to stop Bible classes in the public elementary schools of Dayton, the town made famous by the "Scopes Monkey Trial," asked a federal judge Tuesday to make a ruling without a trial.
U.S. District Judge R. Allen Edgar said following a one-hour hearing that he would decide on the request for summary judgment before a scheduled Feb. 19 trial.

The suing family is identified in court records only as Rhea County residents with children who have been subjected to the "Bible Education Ministry" program taught in elementary schools. They are plaintiffs along with Wisconsin-based Freedom From Religion Foundation Inc.

Here's the most pernicious part of the case --"Evans [attorney for the school board] said the family should disclose their identity and tell the judge how their children have been harmed by attending the Bible classes." He doesn't want the family disclosed so they can be ostracized and intimidated. Of course not.

Click here for the Freedom from Religion Foundation.

The leading contender for the 2002 Least Felicitous Metaphor Award:

from today's Washington Post

The fish is magnificent, a shimmering 12-pounder, intact, sweet-smelling, the size of a freshly skinned adult beagle.

A freshly skinned adult beagle? Yeesh.

Stolen from the Straight Dope Message Board.


Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy
>
>Star Wars
>
>10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
>9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
>8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
>7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
>6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
>5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
>4. "Sorry about the mess..."
>3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
>2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
>1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
>
>
>The Empire Strikes Back
>
>10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
>9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
>8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
>7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
>6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
>5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
>4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like
>that, huh kid?"
>3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
>2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
>1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
>
>
>Return of the Jedi:
>
>10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
>9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me
>master."
>8. "I never knew I had it in me."
>7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
>6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost
>got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
>5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
>4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
>3. "She's gonna blow!"
>2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
>1. "Rise, my friend."
>

I saw a kid today with a spiked mohawk and a Ramones t-shirt. I handed him a twenty and told him to catch a bus back to 1979.

WARNING, Dan Cantor, WARNING!!!

Ronald J. Huff held the lease on the small studio at the Towne Court Apartments. But it was his seven monitor lizards that owned the place.

Two handmade, wooden cages big enough to hold a 6-foot animal were stacked against one wall, partially blocking the kitchen. Aquariums and cushions for the smaller lizards to lounge upon were scattered around the apartment. Small shelves had been cut into his bathroom closet, providing a place for the reptiles to snooze after roaming freely.

Huff's fascination with the giant lizards came to a grisly end this week; New Castle County police found his cold- blooded pets eating his body Wednesday.

This article from the Nation in 1994 shows that our prevaricating President was involved with Enron as long ago as 1988.

Several years ago, says Rodolfo Terragno, a former Argentine Cabinet Minister, he received a telephone call from George W. Bush, son of the then-Vice President. When he hung up, Terragno was annoyed, he recalls, for the younger Bush had tried to exploit his family name to pressure Terragno to award a contract worth hundreds of millions of dollars to Enron, an American firm close to the Bush clan.

Read this article that is actually about, well, robot dogs.

Is this cool or what? New Jersey's finest Elvis Tribute Artist in Gaithersburg!

Get your new Joker products -- fine skincare since 1989.

Yours for only $49.95!


Santa Billy Doll
He's back and this seductive Santa stud is eager to climb down your chimney this holiday season. Surely this doll puts the "gay" in gay ol' christmas and would make the perfect gift for that special friend or loved one. But you'd better get him on his sleigh headed your way soon because only 1,000 of these dolls will be released this season. Santa Billy comes in one hair color - blonde and beautiful.

Who knew?

You can not make this up, or, the death of humor.

From the Guardian

One of Osama bin Laden's brothers is planning to launch a fashion label bearing the family name, despite its doom-laden notoriety.

In one of the most extraordinary twists since September 11, Yeslam Binladin, one of Bin Laden's 53 siblings, hopes one day to sell the line in the US.

Good advice for the artist from Boswell's Life of Johnson: "Read over your compositions, and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out."

The hottest thing in the theatre right now are musicals based on old movies -- e.g. The Producers. Here's a list of such musicals I want to see:

Goodfellas!
O Godfather!
Eraserhead Sings
Patton!

This article from The New Republic is a very thoughtful essay on the question of Kashmiri independence.

And Kashmiri independence wouldn't only dissolve India territorially; it would dissolve it ideologically as well. Indian secularism--Nehru and Gandhi's founding vision of a state that doesn't favor any religious group over another--is one of the great achievements of the twentieth century. It has made India more stable, and more tolerant, than its religiously conceived neighbor Pakistan. India has had Muslim presidents, Muslim Supreme Court justices, and Muslim captains of the national cricket team. By one estimate, more Muslims emigrate from Pakistan each year to India than the other way around. But to admit that Kashmir, as a Muslim-majority state, cannot remain within India would expose secularism as a lie and imperil the claim to equality of the more than 130 million Muslims living in the rest of the country--a Muslim population that today ranks among the freest in the world.

I have done lots of dumb things in my life, but I have never passed out from any kind of pretzel-related incident.

If Not Adam, Then Lore

One More Lore

These are by L. F. Sjöberg of the Brunching Shuttlecocks, the second-funniest site on the web.
-- MrJoel

More Lore

Lore

Mr. Joel here. While Adam is gone, I will entertain you with selected adventures of Lore, by L.F.Sjöberg. By the way, I wish I knew how many people read this blog, anyway. The Web is great for feeling that you've expressed yourself before an audience, and the very indeterminability of that audience's magnitude is what allows the most obscure post to feel at least as public as your own cable-access program... but there's also the haunting probablity that you could reach more people by just talking loudly in a bar. Uh, anyway, now, the adventures of Lore!

I understand Ratt did not make the Spin Magazine top 50 bands of all time list.

I leave for Los Angeles tomorrow morning. It's supposed to be 72 and sunny. After the freak ice storm in DC yesterday, I may never come home.

Fifty-two school buses were involved in accidents in Montgomery and Fairfax counties, officials said.

Police in Montgomery and Northern Virginia reported hundreds of accidents, mostly minor, including a 16-car, chain-reaction collision on Interstate 66 and a 20-car smashup on Rockville Pike. There were so many crashes on I-66 that Virginia state troopers got out of their sliding patrol cars and walked gingerly from one bunch of crumpled metal to the next. Backups on the Dulles Toll Road stretched as long as 15 miles.

Indispensable on-line resource

by the brilliant Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg, mastermind of the Brunching Shuttlecocks. Use the expanded version.
--MrJoel

If you find this funny, shoot yourself.

LOTR again

Lord of the Rings in Two Hours from rec.humor.funny.
--Mr.Joel

AMERICAN MORNING WITH PAULA ZAHN

Explosive New Book Published in France Alleges that U.S. Was in Negotiations to Do a Deal with Taliban

Aired January 8, 2002 - 07:34 ET



THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
PAULA ZAHN, CNN ANCHOR: Time to check in with ambassador-in- residence, Richard Butler, this morning. An explosive new book published in France alleges that the United States was in negotiations to do a deal with the Taliban for an oil pipeline in Afghanistan.

Joining us right now is Richard Butler to shed some light on this new book. He is the former chief U.N. weapons inspector. He is now on the Council on Foreign Relations and our own ambassador-in- residence -- good morning.

RICHARD BUTLER, FMR. U.N. WEAPONS INSPECTOR: Good morning, Paula.

ZAHN: Boy, if any of these charges are true...

BUTLER: If...

ZAHN: ... this...

BUTLER: Yes.

ZAHN: ... is really big news.

BUTLER: I agree.

ZAHN: Start off with what your understanding is of what is in this book -- the most explosive charge.

BUTLER: The most explosive charge, Paula, is that the Bush administration -- the present one, just shortly after assuming office slowed down FBI investigations of al Qaeda and terrorism in Afghanistan in order to do a deal with the Taliban on oil -- an oil pipeline across Afghanistan.

ZAHN: And this book points out that the FBI's deputy director, John O'Neill, actually resigned because he felt the U.S. administration was obstructing...

BUTLER: A proper...

ZAHN: ... the prosecution of terrorism.

BUTLER: Yes, yes, a proper intelligence investigation of terrorism. Now, you said if, and I affirmed that in responding to you. We have to be careful here. These are allegations. They're worth airing and talking about, because of their gravity. We don't know if they are correct. But I believe they should be investigated, because Central Asian oil, as we were discussing yesterday, is potentially so important. And all prior attempts to have a pipeline had to be done through Russia. It had to be negotiated with Russia.

Now, if there is to be a pipeline through Afghanistan, obviating the need to deal with Russia, it would also cost less than half of what a pipeline through Russia would cost. So financially and politically, there's a big prize to be had. A pipeline through Afghanistan down to the Pakistan coast would bring out that Central Asian oil easier and more cheaply.

ZAHN: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) as you spoke about this yesterday, we almost immediately got a call from "The New York Times."

BUTLER: Right.

ZAHN: They want you to write an op-ed piece on this over the weekend.

BUTLER: Right, and which I will do.

ZAHN: But let's come back to this whole issue of what John O'Neill, this FBI agent...

BUTLER: Right.

ZAHN: ... apparently told the authors of this book. He is alleging that -- what -- the U.S. government was trying to protect U.S. oil interests? And at the same time, shut off the investigation of terrorism to allow for that to happen?

BUTLER: That's the allegation that instead of prosecuting properly an investigation of terrorism, which has its home in Afghanistan as we now know, or one of its main homes, that was shut down or slowed down in order to pursue oil interests with the Taliban. The people who we have now bombed out of existence, and this not many months ago. The book says that the negotiators said to the Taliban, you have a choice. You have a carpet of gold, meaning an oil deal, or a carpet of bombs. That's what the book alleges.

Rather than a tribute to Elvis, I'll do a tribute to Mark Phillips, an Elvis impersonator.
Here he is:


A remarkable resemblance, no?

According to his website:

Mark has studied Elvis' music and mannerisms all of his life and when he assumes the role of "Elvis", every twist and every twitch is authentic. He is an accomplished musician, proficient at a variety of musical instruments, and his voice is one of the most versatile in the business. Even the sound of Mark's guitar is genuine "Elvis". Mark has a complete array of Elvis costumes, from the 60's and 70's.

Mark normally performs for corporate events, birthday celebrations, wedding receptions, and other private parties. However, he is the featured entertainment at Johnny's Hideaway in Atlanta each year on Elvis Presley's birthday and the anniversary of Elvis' death. Mark has been a special guest on "Good Day Atlanta" and Channel 2 Evening News. Look for Mark to appear on Channel 5's "Good Day Atlanta" show again this January 8th, between 8:00 and 9:30 a.m., commemorating Elvis' birthday. Mark isn't just a singer. He is also an actor, and can be seen regularly on Atlanta television in commercials for Maxie Price Chevrolet. Mark performed with a full orchestra for over 5000 fans on July 4, 2001 at an annual Community celebration in Kennesaw, Georgia.

Chevy commercials and a full orchestra!

Click here for a RealAudio clip of the fabulous Mark Phillips.


But that's not all - Mark is also a one-man band!
"Using modern keyboard technology and a real guitar, along with a state-of-the-art P.A. and lighting system, Mark truly sounds like a full band. If you shut your eyes or walk into the next room, you may actually forget that it's not a full band you're listening to"

Today is the birthday of three great persons of teh twentieth century:

My Uncle Peter.
Stephen Hawking.
Elvis Presley.

The best line from the genital images site:

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is gratefully acknowledged.

--Mr.Joel

Magnetic resonance imaging of male and female genitals during coitus and female sexual arousal

This article about Michael Moore's new book is interesting, but not shocking.

It was the kind of battle that provocateur journalist Michael Moore would ordinarily consider red meat: a major media corporation threatening a writer's freedom of speech. Moore's new book, "Stupid White Men and Other Excuses for the State of the Nation," which pointedly criticizes President George W. Bush and his administration, was due in stores on Oct. 2. As with many books scheduled for release in the weeks that immediately followed Sept. 11, plans to ship the title to stores were put on hold. According to HarperCollins, "both Moore and [Judith Regan's HarperCollins imprint] ReganBooks thought its publication would be insensitive, given the events of September 11."

By mid-October, there were 50,000 finished books (out of an announced first printing of 100,000) collecting a month's worth of dust in a Scranton, Pa., warehouse, and ReganBooks had yet to schedule a new release date for "Stupid White Men." It was holding off in hopes that Moore would include new material to address the recent events, and would change the title and cover art. Moore says he readily agreed to these requests. But once HarperCollins had his consent, it asked Moore to rewrite sections -- up to 50 percent of the book -- that it deemed politically offensive given the current climate. In addition, the Rupert Murdoch-owned publishing house wanted Moore to help defray half the cost of destroying the old copies and of producing the new edition, by contributing $100,000 from his royalty account.

Moore was aghast. "They wanted me to censor myself and then pay for the right to censor myself," he declared. "I'm not going to do that!" After close to three months of relentless negotiations that threatened to embarrass one of the country's leading publishing houses, the potentially explosive drama was suddenly resolved when HarperCollins announced on Dec. 18 its plans to publish "Stupid White Men" as is, slating the title for early March 2002. "We have made the decision to move it forward as it was. We're very happy about that," says Lisa Herling, HarperCollins' director of corporate communications. What motivated the publisher's change of heart? Not, as some might well expect, an ugly public fuss orchestrated by Moore. Instead, the author remained uncharacteristically quiet, and the protest over the holdup on "Stupid White Men" came from an unexpected source.

I'm afraid the flying car is not being designed by the best and the brightest.

This is a mildly amusing song about how much cooler Aquaman is than all the other Superheroes.

The Way of the Future

Why didn't William Gibson think of that?
--Mr.Joel